Letting go of the Pain

I have to tell you that I have decided not to commit to posting everyday. I mean if I do I do and if I don't I don't. This all started out with the intention of just telling the truth but in order to tell the truth you have to know what the truth is and that is what I am looking for. Last night the most horribly wonderful thing happened. I cannot begin to explain to you how or why it happened I can only describe to you WHAT happened. So remember I was telling you about the old home movies my mom gave us as a Christmas present well last night I watched all four DVDs back to back. When I was done I noticed something I had never noticed before. In every one of those movies not ONCE was I ever unhappy. I was smiling and laughing and just happy. Those of you who REALLY know me know that I have lived mostly an unhappy life and have been very sad and angry. Well I went to bed and as I was lying there I started thinking about my dad and started to remember how things were when him and my mom were together.I was thinking about how young he looked in those movies and how handsome he was and then started thinking about how he looked the last time I saw him which was dead. I started getting a little teary eyed than sniffling and than came the balling which headed directly towards some serious whaling. I t was so bad I couldn't breathe and all I could feel was raw emotional pain. It hurt so bad I could feel it physically. I cried and I cried until I almost couldn't breathe. My poor husband thought I was having a heart attack or something. I had no idea wear this was coming from I mean I had mourned and grieved the loss of my dad I never tried to suppress it but I obviously was suppressing something because this felt like some sort of spiritual purging. I kept going I just couldn't stop and I remember pouring my heart out to my husband. This one particular memory came to mind and I recalled being away at girl scout camp when I was 13 and it was for like a week and I told my sister "I bet when we get home he won't be there." When we went home my mom told us my dad was at work. My dad always kept all his stuff on top of the refrigerator. I mean his wallet, his receipts, and a kool aid can full of change. When I walked in the first thing I did was look on the top of the fridge and everything was gone so was he, I knew he was never coming back . The day we left camp and I kissed my dad goodbye was the last time I remember being truly happy.Everything after that day is when my life went to pot.Last night was a purging of all that pain all that hurt that I caused and hurt and pain others caused me that I held on to for so long. I just couldn't stop crying until finally I just cried out and literally said "Jesus please help me ,please take it away please take away all this pain." A few seconds after that I started to calm down and fell asleep. Now that is what happened.I don't know what it was but it felt like some sort of release a big release. Make up your own mind and draw your own conclusion but that's what happened.I don't really care because whatever it is to you, to me it was peace ,an answered prayer. Am I super happy person all of a sudden ? No but now I feel like there is nothing holding me back from choosing to be happy and I feel free to be happy. I believe truly that the truth will set you free.