Letting go of the Pain

I have to tell you that I have decided not to commit to posting everyday. I mean if I do I do and if I don't I don't. This all started out with the intention of just telling the truth but in order to tell the truth you have to know what the truth is and that is what I am looking for. Last night the most horribly wonderful thing happened. I cannot begin to explain to you how or why it happened I can only describe to you WHAT happened. So remember I was telling you about the old home movies my mom gave us as a Christmas present well last night I watched all four DVDs back to back. When I was done I noticed something I had never noticed before. In every one of those movies not ONCE was I ever unhappy. I was smiling and laughing and just happy. Those of you who REALLY know me know that I have lived mostly an unhappy life and have been very sad and angry. Well I went to bed and as I was lying there I started thinking about my dad and started to remember how things were when him and my mom were together.I was thinking about how young he looked in those movies and how handsome he was and then started thinking about how he looked the last time I saw him which was dead. I started getting a little teary eyed than sniffling and than came the balling which headed directly towards some serious whaling. I t was so bad I couldn't breathe and all I could feel was raw emotional pain. It hurt so bad I could feel it physically. I cried and I cried until I almost couldn't breathe. My poor husband thought I was having a heart attack or something. I had no idea wear this was coming from I mean I had mourned and grieved the loss of my dad I never tried to suppress it but I obviously was suppressing something because this felt like some sort of spiritual purging. I kept going I just couldn't stop and I remember pouring my heart out to my husband. This one particular memory came to mind and I recalled being away at girl scout camp when I was 13 and it was for like a week and I told my sister "I bet when we get home he won't be there." When we went home my mom told us my dad was at work. My dad always kept all his stuff on top of the refrigerator. I mean his wallet, his receipts, and a kool aid can full of change. When I walked in the first thing I did was look on the top of the fridge and everything was gone so was he, I knew he was never coming back . The day we left camp and I kissed my dad goodbye was the last time I remember being truly happy.Everything after that day is when my life went to pot.Last night was a purging of all that pain all that hurt that I caused and hurt and pain others caused me that I held on to for so long. I just couldn't stop crying until finally I just cried out and literally said "Jesus please help me ,please take it away please take away all this pain." A few seconds after that I started to calm down and fell asleep. Now that is what happened.I don't know what it was but it felt like some sort of release a big release. Make up your own mind and draw your own conclusion but that's what happened.I don't really care because whatever it is to you, to me it was peace ,an answered prayer. Am I super happy person all of a sudden ? No but now I feel like there is nothing holding me back from choosing to be happy and I feel free to be happy. I believe truly that the truth will set you free.

Family Tradition

I didn't post anything last night because I was up painting my sister in laws Christmas present and didn't go to bed until 3:30 am. Drove into New Orleans for my family Christmas parties. The first one is every year at St Benilde school. This is where we only see my grandmothers side of the family once a year. I know my great aunts and my cousins but have no clue who there kids are. Every year its the same thing we eat we wait for Santa we mingle take pictures with Santa than we leave. From those exhilarating festivities we move on to my immediate family which is my mother,siblings , and there spouses and nieces and nephews.This should be considered a sporting event. We gave our mother her new video camera because the old one she had was ancient. Than we took turns handing out gifts to the kids. Than it was our turn because we picked names. So I am getting excited and can't wait to give out mine than someone happens to notice that the water outside my brothers house is getting very high fairly quickly. Now my brothers are in the rain collecting keys and moving cars to higher ground. The flooding is so bad everywhere they were predicting everyone would be stuck at my brothers house which than prompted his wife to start drinking steadily. Finally we give ours out I got a saints necklace my sister in law made me and its awesome. My mothers turn to give her gifts to grandchildren and than to us. Before she starts handing them out she tries to tell us what it is and starts crying. This woman is so thoughtful and so selfless omg she is incredible. My mother took all of the 8mm film she had of us growing up and put it on a set of 4 cd's and I believe me thats not cheap to do. It was the most wonderful present I had ever gotten. My mother could have bought me a car and it wouldn't have stood a chance against this. My dad passed away last november and it is still very fresh in my mind. Seeing him in those home movies brought back so many happy memories you can't put a price on that. Watching them made me realize how simple things were back then. People actually talked on the phone before texting and they actually wrote letters to correspond.The one thing I saw that was consistent in those movies was I noticed at every important event in our lives the entire family was always there. Baptisms, kindergarten graduation, birthday parties, holidays, first communion. They were always there we went on vacation together we did everything together. My grandmother is 87 years old and was married to my grandfather for 65 years until he died at the age of 94. They have 8 children 17 grandchildren and 27 great grandchildren. The set the bar very high when it came to family. For the longest time I didn't think my mom and her sisters had any friends because they did everything together. Now days I find people spend more time trying to fit in and stress out over all the places they have to go. If your parents are divorced you have to have a mommy Christmas and a daddy Christmas than Christmas on your moms side Christmas on your dads side than Christmas with your in laws and again moms house or dads house if your spouses parents are divorced. Christmas I can imagine as time goes by must suck more and more each year. I'm willing to bet by now that we no longer look at Christmas as a celebration but as a chore. Than you can't have a peaceful Christmas without someone in America exercising there rights in the Christmas vs holiday war. We have men and woman away from there families for Christmas fighting for your right to be an opinionated jerk and this is the war you wanna have?Fighting over a tree or a menorah, all or nothing , Christmas or holiday, REALLY? Don't get me started. Let us just entertain the idea that if we celebrated Christmas the way it was always intended for us to celebrate it , we would save ourselves a whole lot of time and money not to mention peace of mind. In spite of the noise of kids screaming and running around ,the severe flooding , the rain all the way home, I enjoyed being with my family today the young ,the old and the very old. Tradition is a dying practice it should begin and end with our family. Cost of presents for family $100.00 bucks, Cost for fuel to get home for Christmas $40.oo cost of giving your children back there childhood,PRICELESS.

Go Me

Today I did nothing significant or worth mentioning just an ordinary uneventful day. I attempted several times to wrap Christmas presents and make a gift I've been putting off for weeks and once again I have decided to put it off til the last minute so I can panic, turn into a lunatic, stress myself out, and take it out on my family like normal people do. My husband stayed home today with a migraine headache that looked very painful judging by the expression on his face. Now I am about to tell you something that makes me a horrible person because I am sure I am the only woman who feels this way. When I woke up and found my husband sleeping on the sofa I had to take a moment to reflect. See normally any other time I would have poked him and said what are you doing and why aren't you at work. He could have been bleeding to death and I would have said suck it up put a band aid on it and go to work. I don't know where I got this from but I have an idea it comes from my mothers side of the family. There is something about looking at a man relaxing that makes my blood boil because in my mind there is always something to do. So my husband knows this so just to irritate me when we argue or I'm mad about something he will either plop down in front the TV, take his sweet ass time doing everything or he'll just go to sleep and thats when he's feeling brave. When we were first married it took him a while to understand that when I asked him to do something I meant like right then and there. I am not real big on waiting so this tends to present a problem. Also I found out he is not as ambitious as I am because if I want something done I Will find a way to do it. Him not so much. Part of me knows he's not outgoing because he was raised that way. No one in his family ever expected anything out of him, no one had any expectations for him. I expect alot out of him because I know what he is capable of and what he can accomplish I know that sounds like bs but thats my story and I'm stickin to it. But today was a breakthrough because I did NOT respond that way at all . Instead I left him alone medicated him rubbed his head made him some coffee and went about my buisness.Now you may not think thats a big deal but God knows that is a huge step for me. What I am hoping for on this journey is to be able to make the choice to be happy instead of finding reasons to blame people or circumstances as to why I'm not. I believe you have to take the good with the bad I believe you have to maintain your relationship with people and with God whether your eating steak for dinner or peanut and jelly sandwiches. So chalk one up for me ,thats one small step for Lori one giant step towards peace. Like I always say "Its better to have peace than it is to be right" ain't that the truth.

It was the nightmare B4 Christmas....

They say its the most wonderful time of the year , no it is not. Its wonderful when the day after Christmas you buy all your decorations and holiday cheer on sale for next year so that's less you have to worry about. Every year I promise myself I will do exactly that. I will get ahead of the game and be finished before November . I just want to look in the mirror and say "Your so full of @#$% your going to do everything at the last minute and you know it." Really all I have to do is save money all year like have a Christmas fund that would make things easier also. I didn't get up today until 1:30 and I know some of you are probably saying " must be nice" well honestly yes it was get over it, anyway I was trying to remember the list of everything I needed to get for everyone than threw a jogging suit on and was going to leave with no make up but than I remembered other people have to look at me. I make it out the door and my first stop is at the mall. Parking wasn't horrible I got my daughter and my sons gifts on sale than went and got my daughter these God awful shoes she just has to have and they were very pricey but hey its Christmas right. So I am thinking I did pretty good Gods favor was upon me and that wasn't to bad. I go home and my daughter asks me about the shoes and of coarse I lie and tell her she may not be getting the shoes . My girl than thinks its because there to expensive and says I can get the same ones at payless for 29.99. Of coarse they were of coarse and so it begins. So I freak out because the same pair of ugly shoes I got for 75.29 I could have gotten for 29.99. So I jump in my car and head back to the Mall (oh Joy) I run in and go to exchange the shoes and the salesman asks what was wrong with them and get this I lie to him because I feel guilty about bringing the shoes back so I tell him someone already bought them for her. How sick is that I can't believe I fricken felt bad but now I feel even worse when I leave because I lied. I go to rue 21 I buy my sons present. Be right back I hear gun shots. Well that was a perfect ending to my day. As I was sitting here typing I heard 2 shots than 4 more. I called the police and they informed me that they had already received calls to that location so I hang up. I leave to go to the store which is an exscuse to put my nose where it doesn't belong but whatever so I see 2 policeman circling the block and riding up and down the street and than that's it they leave. It literally sounded like it was in my back yard because its huge and theres a gate that leads to the next street. If anyone was killed I guess we'll find out soon enough. OK where was I ? Oh yeah I get my sons present than head to walmart. My daughter is with me and we finish up our shopping and she tells me she has to tell me something when we leave so I'm like ok w/e. We get in the car we head home and I ask her what is it we need to discuss and she tells me that when she was looking at the hairclips 2 rows down from me , she thought a man was following her.The man is just standing there well she tries to grab something off the top shelf but can't reach it so he gets it for her ,she says thank you and than he shows her his phone and a picture of a mans penis with a bow tied around it and says to my daughter "you like that?" She says no and walks away. I pull into my driveway and my husband isn't home yet and I tell my daughter we're going back.Now she is 12 and she gets scared and I say "you can't do nothing or he will do it to someone elses child" So she sucks it up and we head back . The whole way there my mind starts racing and I'm thinking I hope he had the good sense to leave because if I find him I won't let him leave. I walk in and I see a deputy and I tell him what happened and said " I figure its better that you find him before I do." My daughter tells him what the guy looked like and the deputy says he will check but told her" Next time something like that happens tell your mom right away . " I thought she knew that but I think she was afraid of what I was going to do or say in front of her , she is not a very confrontational person unlike her mother . On our way home she stopped being scared and became very angry. I mean hear this child has never seen anything like that before and her innocent mind was exposed to one more element of evil in the world. I often take God for granted in these situations and believe that he will always protect her because I pray for it always and maybe some might ask" Well where was he tonight?" My only response is that in this day and age what I see in the news ,the things people do to there families ,to there children or to anyone, well if all I have to deal with is a pornographic picture and I'm not dealing with her body being found in a ditch somewhere than I know God did his job as always and thats the truth.!!!

Dane Day

Whoever said they hated being alone obviously didn't have the day I had. Today was a Dane day. I spent all day with my son Dane going to the doctor for 11:30 sitting through "Could you please fill this out front and back" even though I feel like I've done that every single time I go.Than waiting and more waiting finally to the back sitting in a tiny room so I can wait some more.While I am waiting for the doc to come in I feel obligated to have a meaningful conversation with my 17 year old won't pull my pants up can't take my hat off bc my hair sucks,son. I make an attempt and like clockwork doctor comes in . Talking, talking, talking, question, question,question he leaves the room and I'm waiting . He informs me my son needs another allergy test they give it to him and its going to take about 15 minutes to react so yep you guessed it more waiting.So the test is over he is severely allergic to dust mites , mold, and grass.Now I get the news I have to take all the carpet out of my house ,which isn't hurting my feelings,however that means I have to put down sub flooring and laminate flooring in my very old house bc the floors underneath the carpet are bad. No problem I'll just go shake that money tree in my back yard. We finally get out of there at 3:00 pm now I have to go to court scheduling so my son can go to anger management and do community service for the fight he got into at school while I was on my way to the hospital to get a hysterectomy. That was suppose to be a me day that he turned into a Dane day. Anyway we go in there and we see the kid he got in a fight with and the greet each other with a little fist tap and say "whatsup dude?" I'm like you have to be fricken kidding me you couldn't have done this 10 MONTHS AGO! ughhhh. We finish that and he still has to do a drug test but the lady forgot to give him the paper he needs so I had to go to city court to grab that then go drop off his prescriptions (all 6 of them) just to find out I have to get a verification from the doctor WHO WROTE the prescription to verify that he wrote it because evidently people who don't have adhd feel the need to abuse adderall. OMG!!!!!!!At this point I just hate people .So I go home thinking all I have to do is make dinner and I'm done, well not even close. I dropped my son and daughter off at the house before I dropped off scripts. I come home and my daughter tells me my son has just turned into satan and I should go see whats wrong. I go in his room and it is obvious with the plethora of crap all over the place ,things knocked over,knocked down and just a mess that its safe to something is amiss. So I ask myself, Self do you really want to know? I do and the look on his face tells me its "the girlfriend". So I prepare to be an amazing listener , a good, caring, comforting mother. My son begins to tell me he "can't take it anymore" and goes into everything that happened yesterday leading up to today's catastrophic event. I hear him talking but the whole time I'm comforting him and trying to reassure him that he's not pathetic , in my mind all I want to say to him is "Man you're PATHETIC, are you really going to let a girl tell you who you can and can't be friends with ,someone who is so insecure that she has to be mean to everybody else just so she'll feel good about herself. You are 17 years old she is your first girlfriend you don't pay bills you have no job you have no mortgage and no kids WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO FIGHT ABOUT! Y'all are young and you don't know shit!!! Love my ass you don't have a clue what that means." But I restrained myself gave him the best advice I could knowing full well he would not heed my warning . So hear I am in my room all alone and loving it .Looking forward to tomorrow when kids are in school and husband is it work. I have no problems with being alone in fact I embrace it. In fact when I die and leave this wretched place , the 2 words I used the most they can put on a t-shirt and bury me in it so people can read it when they view my cold corpse "GO AWAY" and that's the truth!!

The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

OK so I'm sitting in my room today folding laundry and I'm listening to some itunes and all of a sudden I get this thought that what if , for once, someone just randomly just started to tell the truth about everything. No sugar coating just the plain old truth about everyday things ,better yet, about things no one else will say. I left my job about 3 weeks ago, that is a truth for another day, but I have really had to just dig deep and decide who it is I am and who I want to be.

Nobody every really tells the whole truth. We tell people what we want them to know to make ourselves look good . For example when you run into a friend at the store and they ask how we've been do we tell the whole truth or do we just avoid the whole thing and say "fine". We wear this lie that never leaves and most of the time we are really just telling them the things we wish were true. I wish I was "fine" all the time and everything was great and peachy but when everything sucks we dare not say that because we want others to think we have it together and we are in control of our lives and that really isn't true for any of us . So everyday I will be keeping this blog diary of my day and I promise to be honest and tell the truth no matter what and see what happens. Lets start off with asking myself that very question. "Hi how are you doing ? " Well the truth is I am struggling a little bit. Today I got a letter from my insurance company letting me know that if I want to keep the insurance I had from my job I have to pay $1265.94 by the 19 of December and previously the 19 of November also. They overpaid me for my last check and than took the whole check back. Being that I am retarded when it comes to my hours and what I get and don't get I payed bills and after my husbands deposit and deductions from my automatic withdrawals and checks I already wrote that left me with about $152.00 until this Friday. Next we move on to taking money out of my savings for Christmas. Now believe me we don't need a big Christmas, Christmas was never about getting stuff anyway Christmas is just an excuse for me to give stuff to people because I love it. My kids have insurance my husband and I don't. So no more ADD medicine for me its to expensive and if I want to go to the dentist I'll have to save for it. Now some of you might be asking "well why did you quit your job? That's a good question and the answer is really none of your buisness but I'll tell you anyway. The truth is there was only one thing I wanted to do and I wanted to do it well and I worked hard at it and it just wasn't good enough. My other option was to do something I had already done and I had no desire to go backwards besides I am going to be 40 and I'm to old to work were it sucks. I would have been put in a very bad position. After talking to my husband He expressed to me that he was relieved. When I took this job he was very supportive but during the time I was there our marriage suffered and we were getting further apart. My relationship with my children changed dramatically , I stopped going to church and found myself compromising allot of what I believed because I wanted people to like me and I wanted to be accepted. That income and those benefits were nice but it was costing me way more than it was worth. I don't regret being there I made a few real friends and always looked forward to going to work I love law enforcement but it is very political. Now I am focusing on the future and I don't know what it holds but I am looking forward to finding out. I know how to do poor now its time for me to do happy and thats the truth.