Telling those guys who had become my family, telling my BROTHERS they couldn't come in my yard anymore was the hardest, most gut wrenching thing I have ever had to do . In a sense I felt God was closing the door but I couldn't shake the anger for the ones responsible .
I became angry at all the homeowners , it was personal. I was angry with my family and my husband I just wanted to blame everybody. Society, Government , Churches , you name it I blamed it on everyone and everybody and in some sense I still do.
I began telling anybody that would listen about how I was wronged . I was naming names and calling people out making others aware of their ugliness. I just wanted to be heard , I wanted people to justify my anger and my pain for me , I wanted some relief for this heaviness in my heart but to no avail. I knew I did nothing wrong and I knew it was righteous anger yet for me what it comes down to is that God wasn't moving fast enough with my justice. I just wanted them to hurry up and get theirs.
An injustice was done to me but more importantly to the people I served . God told me to do this and He had protected us every-time the enemy attacked. So instead of just accepting that this was something God allowed to come to pass I focused on the injustice instead of the promise.
The promise that He would never leave me or forsake me.
The promise that If God is for me ,who can be against me?
The promise that ALL things work together for good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose .
The promise that says "For I know the plans I have for you, " says the Lord " They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
I had allowed this confusion and lack of faith to cross boundaries in my heart I knew wouldn't please my Father.
I allowed my "feelings " to take precedence over the prompting of the Holy Spirit to guard my heart.
Anger and bitterness set in, than hurt and depression and in the state of mind the enemy wanted, I was broken.
I took the advice of a friend and I had it out with God, not disrespectfully but intensely. Weeping, I just began to give in and give up thinking He wasn't listening , going with feelings rather than truth.
What I heard at that moment was "What do you want more, the Promise or the justice ?" I know He is not asking me to choose, the word says He will give me both . My heart chooses the promise in the spirit that it will lead me on the road to forgiveness because to be honest I'm not there yet but I'm willing to be.
Hours after crying on and off (crying is not something I do often) God sang me a song through Bethany Dillion and the this is the part He spoke to me :
The same sun rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings into streets
where orphans play
And only you can see the good in broken things.
That is the message I want my brothers to hear and know . That God loves us all the same , that He isn't finished with us yet and He can fix us, He can fix this. He sees the good in broken things. He IS the good in broken things. He will rebuild what the enemy has torn down and it will be better than we imagined. He is not done with us, He is only getting started. As for the pharisees who closed my yard, I don't care if they get theirs or not I just want what's mine and Jesus is mine.
My brothers and I have been taken in by a church family that has loved us unconditionally and been there for us through it all. I can honestly say, though I didn't recognize it before , our small little Nazarene Church was the beginning of Gods promises of healing and restoration. They treat the poor like they are rich and treat the rich like they are everyone else . That is the heart of Jesus and we are so grateful and truly blessed.
I posted on facebook that my hand was no longer cold and empty because Jesus was holding it . Now I feel the same about my heart.
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