Watching Kevin Die

I wonder how many are reading this because they were either mortified or intrigued by the title of this post. I assure you my intention was neither. Actually, watching Kevin die was quite beautiful. Watching someone dying is not the same as watching them die knowing they are going somewhere way cooler than anywhere earth has to offer. People deal with death in different ways and this is how I deal with it. I write about it.

Kevin was a brother in Christ that belonged to my small little Nazarene Church, matter of fact, he was actually the first convert. Kevin had battled various types of cancer and with faith and plenty of prayer it seemed as though he had beaten the odds. Imagine our surprise and disbelief when he had gotten the report that the cancer had spread to his liver and there was nothing they could do.

We continued to believe, we continued to pray, and we continued to hope. 
Kevin continued to come to church. He had become yellow in color because of his liver and used a walker to assist him as he had gotten progressively weaker.

Things had gotten to the point were he needed around the clock care. He had no family near by and his 90 year old mother lives in Utah unable to travel. This was not a problem because our little church family was his family and we were happy to care for him.

A week before, I was asked if I could stay with Kevin during the day and I was honored to do so. The first day I sat with Kevin I realized pretty quickly that I would never have another conversation with him. See, this isn't my first time being present at a "Home Going" as I like to call it. I have had the privilege and the honor of caring for my grandparents and my dad . I was present when they went home to be with the Lord. I knew how this story was going to end. 

Kevin was becoming wrest less and agitated which means he was just trying to get comfortable. That's pretty much the time hospice starts with the morphine and the anxiety meds. People came and sat with him, nurses came to make sure he was clean and comfortable and friends came to visit and say goodbye. 

Kevin's mom would call every day and we would put the phone by his ear so she could speak to him.  The most gut wrenching and heartbreaking conversation I will have ever heard was his mother telling her dying son ,whom she could not be with, goodbye.

Kevin had a very good friend Mary, who promised him she would be there with him and take care of him if things took a turn for the worst. Mary most definitely fulfilled that promise and made sure Kevin's dignity was in tact the whole time. 

What I mean by that is, she didn't pretend like he wasn't there and she included him in every conversation although he couldn't respond. Mary was aware and made sure we all knew that Kevin was still able to hear. We found old pictures of Kev, as she called him , and talked about good times. 

Another one of Kevin's church brothers Clint, found an old guitar of Kevin's and played for him a little bit. I played christian music on the radio and read the bible to him when it was just the two of us.  Earlier that day I sang a song to him and told him that if he ever told anybody , I would deny it. 

Thursday morning Mary and I decided to give Kevin a spa day. He had been bathed ,clothes changed , given fresh sheets and clean socks. Mary washed all the gel medicine off of his arms and she did his mouth care. I rubbed lotion on his feet, hands, and forehead. I mean, he got the works. We then covered his head with a towel and opened the window a little so he could feel the clean cool air. It was a beautiful day . In the bible it talks about how it was custom for the woman to prepare the bodies of their loved ones for burial. Little did we know that Mary and I were preparing Kevin to go home.

I went home when my relief got there but no more than a few hours later Pastor Dale texted me to let me know Kevin's lungs were wet and he was beginning to rattle. I  felt the Holy Spirit was telling me I needed to go over there.  

When I arrived Ricky, Pastor Dale, and Mary were standing by his bedside. We encouraged him to go ,we told him it was OK, we said "We love you Kevin. " 
After a few long pauses  between breaths Kevin took one last deep breath and breathed his last. Just like that he was home. 

A million things went through my mind. I was sad because he was gone and I would miss him. I was relieved because he would no longer suffer . To be honest, I was a little envious of what he was about to see. I thought about the "AWE" of that for a moment. I thought to myself  just then , as Kevin took his last breath, at that very moment he came face to face with JESUS.

That thought made me excited which may seem  inappropriate for some but for believers it should be the "norm". I guess that's what I'm getting at. Watching Kevin die was beautiful.
It was beautiful because I knew where he was going and who was going to be there. When I think of Jesus on the cross I think it is both beautiful and offensive.
I think the way he died was offensive but I think why he died is  beautiful. 

One of the hospice nurses asked me what was it about Kevin that made so many people want to help him and care for him? That question told me two things.
One :  When the church becomes the hands and feet of Jesus and loves one another , people know its not human nature and that it has to be something else. That something else is Jesus.
Two : It is Jesus that we saw in Kevin that made us desire to love and care for him.

They say death is like being born, accept backwards. I don't know how true that is but; if it's anything like being born again, I look forward to my turn.

I hope you are not resting brother. I hope you are running like the wind, jumping and leaping and dancing with the King. The hard part isn't saying goodbye. The hard part is waiting to say hello again.

BE STILL

There is something very freeing and gratifying about not having a plan. There is a thrilling expectation of anticipation that comes with not being chained to an agenda . It's unfortunate that we allow the rat race and the worlds design and definition of success to become our blueprint for self worth.

Waking up every morning  not knowing how God has planned my day is something I look forward to daily. There is freedom in letting Him have control. A wife who is submissive to her husband gives him the majority of the responsibility, delegated to him by God, that gives her the freedom to tend to  the things that God has delegated to her. The point is, that if we allow God to be in control then we don't end up micro managing every aspect of our life to the point that leaves no room for Him to work.

I think it's also important to realize that if we are not careful we will end up spending so much of our time doing the things we think God wants us to do, that  we slowly begin neglecting the responsibilities He did give us and they will end up on the back burner. Not to mention we keep ourselves so busy doing things for Him that we never  enjoy or make time WITH Him. Think "Mary and Martha".

We get so caught up in how the world thinks we should do things that we don't allow God to give us the peace He is so willing to give us. Life is too short to be repetitive . There is no rhyme or reason to giving God control except to just hand it over and enjoy what happens next. Trust Him because He is trustworthy.

Don't be afraid to shake things up a bit. Do something you have never done (I recommend random acts of kindness) . Go somewhere you have never been, .  We only get one shot at this so take the time to watch your children sleep. Make time for that father daughter dinner or that mother and son movie night. Appreciate the small things and dare to believe for the big things. Don't be so caught up in the life you have created that you forget to enjoy the life God created.

Take time to be in the presence of your Heavenly Father for it is there, behind that torn curtain , the place where miracles happen.

Broken Things

Over the last few weeks as most of you know One Table has been shutdown. I know longer have the desire or the emotional strength to name names and throw darts . That would make me no better than people who carried out their evil plan , and it was EVIL, to get rid of the residentially challenged.

Telling those guys who had become my family, telling my BROTHERS they couldn't come in my yard anymore was the hardest, most gut wrenching thing I have ever had to do . In a sense I felt God was closing the door but I couldn't shake the anger for the ones responsible .

I became angry at all the homeowners , it was personal. I was angry with my family and  my husband I just wanted to blame everybody. Society, Government , Churches , you name it I blamed it on everyone and everybody and in some sense I still do.

I began telling anybody that would listen about how I was wronged . I was naming names and calling people out making others aware of their ugliness. I just wanted to be heard , I wanted people to justify my anger and my pain for me , I wanted some relief for this heaviness in my heart but to no avail. I knew I did nothing wrong and I knew it was righteous anger yet for me what it comes down to is that God wasn't moving fast enough with my justice. I just wanted them to hurry up and get theirs.

An injustice was done to me but more importantly to the people I served . God told me to do this and He had protected us every-time the enemy attacked. So instead of just accepting that this was something God allowed to come to pass I focused on the injustice instead of the promise.

The promise that He would never leave me or forsake me.
The promise that If God is for me ,who can be against me?
The promise that ALL things work together for good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose .
The promise that says "For I know the plans I have for you, " says the Lord " They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

I had allowed this confusion and lack of faith to cross boundaries in my heart I knew wouldn't please my Father.
I allowed my "feelings " to take precedence over the prompting of the Holy Spirit  to guard my heart.
Anger and bitterness set in, than hurt and depression and in the  state of mind the enemy wanted,  I was broken.

I took the advice of a friend and I had it out with God, not disrespectfully but intensely. Weeping,  I just began to give in and give up thinking He wasn't listening , going with feelings rather than truth.
What I heard at that moment was "What do you want more, the Promise or the justice ?" I know He is not asking me to choose, the word says He will give me both .  My heart chooses the promise in the  spirit that it will lead me on the road to forgiveness because to be honest I'm not there yet but I'm willing to be.

Hours after crying on and off  (crying is not something I do often) God sang me a song through Bethany Dillion and the this is the part He spoke to me :

The same sun rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings into streets
where orphans play
And only you can see the good in broken things.

That is the message I want my brothers to hear and know . That God loves us all the same , that He isn't finished with us yet and He can fix us, He can fix this. He sees the good in broken things. He IS the good in broken things. He will rebuild what the enemy has torn down and it will be better than we imagined. He is not done with us, He is only getting started. As for the pharisees who closed my yard, I don't care if they get theirs or not I just want what's mine and Jesus is mine.

My brothers and I have been taken in by a church family that has loved us unconditionally and been there for us through it all. I can honestly say, though I didn't recognize it before , our small little Nazarene Church was the beginning of Gods promises of healing and restoration. They  treat the poor like they are rich and treat the rich like they are  everyone else . That is the heart of Jesus and we are so grateful and truly blessed.

I posted on facebook that my hand was no longer cold and empty because Jesus was holding it . Now I feel the same about my heart.

To the Church

What happened to us? How did we ever allow ourselves to get to this point. 
At the point where we value property more than people.


Since when did we feel we needed to lure people in with our fancy buildings,state of the art equipment and coffee shops. Don't even get me started on the card swiping.
All I ever needed, was to know He was there.


All Jesus needed was God ,the word, and the Holy Spirit.He didn't need a building nor would it be practical,what could possibly contain Him? 


You greet the same people every Sunday who sit in the same spot who talk to the same people to hear the same messages we have heard a thousand times and still we don't walk it out practically.


We teach our children to share with each other yet when it comes to sharing on the Jesus level we are the ones screaming MINE,MINE,MINE!


We complain about those that are on welfare and food-stamps but the truth is if WE the church lived as the apostles did in the book of acts and lived by the example Jesus set for us and commanded us to , there would be no need for welfare and food stamps. 


I'm disgusted that the church is judgmental and when we go all pharisees on people who don't live up to our standards. Especially when we aren't living up to the standards of the very God we claim to serve.


Its disturbing that we claim to be christians yet the sight of the poor and unwanted sends us to the other side of the street.


Anyone who knows me knows what God called me to do.It has come with a cost. I've lost relationships with my family and friends and I was naive to believe that ALL christians would support me. Yet I get support from people and places I would never expect but isn't that just like God

Having said that,I assure you, the joy way exceeds the sacrifice and the sacrifice we make can never be compared to the sacrifice that was made for us.


As much as I am hurt and disappointed by the church, I still love the church because Jesus does. I pray that God will open our eyes and break our hearts with the things that break His. When we get out of the pew and DO ,than and only than will we see revival.


Church, don't get sucked in by the "business"of church, by the rituals of church,by the routine of church.
Have higher expectations, be teachable.


Our way sucks,it doesn't work. His way works.
Let the Holy Spirit be the Holy Spirit because it is His love and kindness that leads to repentance.


 Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. - Galations 6:1-3 The Message

Keeping Your Word

Keeping your word is one of the most important attributes of your character.
I came to realize the severity of how crucial this was to having integrity when I fell victim to my own flaws.
I have been known to be late. In fact you can almost always bet on it and if  there is one thing you can definitely count on , it's me being late.


That is another post for another time, but I would rather be infamous for being late than be known for not keeping my word.
I have struggled with keeping my word before and my excuse most of the time is that I forget which is true, just not excusable.


I would have to say that most of the time God gets my attention by allowing me to see what it feels like to be on the receiving end of what He wants to change in me and recently I have gotten quite a dose of empty promises and word breaking.


I understand that for most people their intentions are sincere but I have come to realize that it doesn't matter who you are ,where you come from  or whether your rich or poor , Your word has value. It says something about who you are . It tells me whether or not I can trust you.


I have to take keeping my word to heart because I know how seriously I take it when someone doesn't keep their word to me. I don't care if you are a billionaire, if your not a person of your word I know you are not dependable or trustworthy. If you don't have a dime to your name but you never fail to keep your word than you are more valuable to me than all the riches in the world.


God has entrusted my husband and myself to play a small part in a homeless ministry that takes place in our backyard.
I cannot even begin to tell you how imperative it is to this community of people we do life with, for us to keep our word. 


They are used to being lied to, brushed off and forgotten by the world. When it comes to churches and church people who make them promises they can't or won't keep, than Houston ,we have a very serious problem!


I don't think we realize what we are doing when we don't keep our word to those we minister to and disciple. There is already an expectation ,when you say you are a christian, that they assume you can be trusted and then when we don't come through and we don't full fill our commitment it tells them something about us.


 It tells them they can't count on us. It gives the enemy an opportunity to use that against us to destroy our character and create division.
The homeless don't trust each other and they have a hard time trusting the church for numerous reasons so when Christians break there word it breaks something in those individuals because they believe they are suppose to be able to trust us.


People were not designed to be perfect and everyone falls short but this is an area where we can't afford it.
God doesn't just ask us to keep our word, He expects it. Seriously consider the consequences of your actions and the effects it will have on others before you make commitments. It matters!


"But keeping your word is more than just not lying. Keeping your word has more to do with honouring what you said you were going to do, or being faithful to the TRUTH of what you have said. With it goes a determination and tenacity not to deviate from the target act or statement--even if it means a personal cost or hardship in fulfilling the promise or ensuring the TRUTH of the statement."  - S. Kroeger




Numbers 30:1-2
Moses said to the heads of the tribes of Israel: "This is what the LORD commands: 2 When a man makes a vowto the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.




James 5:12 
Above all, my brothers, do  not swear- not by heaven  or by earth or by anything else . Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No,"  no, or you will be condemned

Run Your Own Race

As I continue on the Path God has set before me, the one thing made  clear to me is that it is MY path.
I am very passionate about what we do and it is a journey I wish we would have started years and years ago.
That doesn't mean everyone will feel the same about what we do and maybe their not suppose to.

I don't feel passionate about saving whales or orphanages in India but it doesn't mean I would not participate in supporting them , I just don't have the desire to participate directly.

Many people have come to me and told me how much they really want to get involved in homeless ministry until they find out that its nothing like what they thought it would be and they back off.

Let me just say this, that I absolutely understand. Not everyone is called to do what you do and feel how you feel about it. Remember God put this desire in YOUR heart.

For those that back out, we don't make them feel bad. We are simply grateful that the intention was there and tell them how they can support us in other ways.

I have said before many times I don't have a problem with anyone that tells me they couldn't do what we do but don't ever tell me we shouldn't do it.

Its unreasonable and unfair to share with people about what you do and why you do it and than have the expectation that they are going to feel the same way.

We tell people the truth about what we do and what God has done. The painful and heartbreaking things that we have witnessed are the very things that drive us to keep doing it but it is also what drives others away. Not everyone can handle other peoples reality.

 Most people are very supportive just not hands on. I only know of a few haters that have gone out of their way to try and destroy what God has called us to do but God continues to protect us and pour his favor upon us and I don't forget that we are dealing with an enemy that wants us to fail.

Some people may not desire to become involved directly but almost all of them support us in some way wether it be prayerfully , in kind donations, or monetary donations. Everybody can do something.

Guard your heart and if something doesn't work out the way you thought it would, its for a reason. GOD IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL!

The reason you do what you do is because God equipped you to do it. Those of us that have a heart for hurting people empathize and not everyone can empathize.

Ask your self this question. If you never went through hard times, lost a home, felt unwanted, or unloved and felt rejection would you be able to effectively empathize and feel enough compassion to do the work that you do and make a real difference?

At the end of the day all the glory goes to God anyway. Run your race, follow your path, embrace you're journey because truth be told it all belongs to Jesus.

Its because of HIS race, HIS path and HIS journey that we are able to do what HE calls us to do.