My Transparency

I'm still struggling and falling further and further from myself. I'm not much better off than my last post. But I feel lead to be forthcoming and honest because maybe someone else is going through the same thing and needs to hear it. I've been very distracted and avoiding God(still). Don't get me wrong I think about Him pretty much all day but I don't spend quality time with Him. I've been in this spiritual slump for  quite a few months now. Honestly, some of it's just laziness some of it's procrastination and most of it is  pity. When people pay me compliments, it's nice to hear but I never believe them.

 My husband and I were discussing how we don't have a lot of friends
 we hang out with. We mostly just hangout with each other outside of work. I asked why he thought that was. We have had relationships with people excited about what God was doing in our lives and wanted to be a part of it. We let them get close, believed all of their promises about doing life with us and always being there, and then they just disappeared. It felt personal and without any explanation they were just gone. My husband said he was very disappointed in that and we were both hurt so we just don't trust anyone anymore. To be honest some of our best friends are people with no homes. They are our most faithful and loyal friends. They may disappoint me and I may disappoint them but they won't leave me.

I feel unequal to my peers and sometimes intimidated by the fact that I feel ugly and gross almost 90% of the time. That's where my mouth comes in. I use it as a guard and as my shield. I hide behind it like a scared little girl instead of  being proactive in seeking my self worth in who He is in me . I am the person who knows my faults better than anyone other than God. He knows things about me that I don't even know. When I don't spend time with God, the devils voice becomes the loudest in my head and this is what he tells me every.single.day.

Who I am to me:
 I'm a fat ugly cow who is tolerated by the people that I love the most and no one will ever take you seriously because you aren't pretty .
I am nothing and when I think I'm something then I'm an egotistical hypocrite that needs a lesson in humility. I'm an untalented middle aged woman who is a failure in every attempt to fit in or be socially acceptable to those in my world. Even the poor and disenfranchised think I'm a fake and a phony and I don't love them as much as I should. I'm a horrible wife who complains too much and stays focused on the negative more than the positive. I'm sometimes a wretched 16 year old who can't get away from her past which is why I don't attend family functions so I won't be reminded of it.
I don't go anywhere or do anything because in my head I'm this well put together women trapped in this tomboy tough girl fat suit I call a body that deserves to be there. I'm a bad mother, I curse too much, I'm not Christian enough, I compromise too much, GOD WILL NEVER USE YOU TO DO ANYTHING WORTH REMEMBERING. (I could go on and on but you get the picture).

Who I am to my kids:
Annoying complainer they like to make fun of more than they like to respect. I could have done a better job. I failed them.

Who I am to my friends:
talks too much, outspoken, can't be controlled, over the top.

Who I am to my husband:
He didn't know what he was getting himself into. He tolerates you. I don't deserve him. He's too good for me! I'm mean!


It's at this point that when I am most broken I talk to myself literally as if I'm looking right into the mirror and I let Lori have it. It would sound something like this(in my accent):

BITCH, I KNOW YOU ARE NOT HERE AGAIN  SITTING AROUND IN THIS ROOM FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. ALL I HEAR IS I, I, I, AND ME, ME , ME. YOU ACT LIKE EVERYTHING EVOLVES AROUND YOU. NOTHING YOU DO IS FOR OR ABOUT YOU. WHAT EVER THIS IS  YOU BETTER SHUT IT THE HELL DOWN AND GET OVER YOURSELF. YOU KNOW DAMN GOOD AND WELL THAT HE BROUGHT YOU INTO IT  AND HE'LL TAKE YOU OUT OF IT. EVERYTHING HE'S DONE FOR YOU AND YOU GONNA SIT HERE AND WHINE LIKE A LITTLE GIRL? BITCH PLEASE! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. YOU FEEL FAT? GET OFF YA FAT ASS AND DRIVE YA ASS TO THE GYM. I'M TIRED OF YOU CRYIN ABOUT NOTHING FITS, THE WHOLE TIME YOU SITTIN UP IN HERE SHOVELING CEREAL IN YA MOUTH WITH YOUR 3 SPOONFULS OF SUGAR IN YOUR COFFEE BULLSHIT! GIRL PLEASE, GO HEAD WITH THAT SHIT. TALKING ABOUT YA KIDS DON'T LOVE YOU, YA HUSBAND HATIN ON YOU, CRY ME A FRICKEN RIVER. THEY TELL YOU THEY LOVE YOU ALL THE TIME AND THEY SHOW IT. YOU GOT GOOD KIDS BE GRATEFUL YOU SELF CENTERED BASTARD DON'T YOU KNOW HOW BLESSED YOU ARE? ACT LIKE IT MOTHER !@##$%%! AND SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE THINK ? CARE IF THEY THINK YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN AND ACT LIKE ONE, LIVE LIKE ONE. YOU ANSWER ONLY TO HIM AND THOSE SORRY BASTARDS THAT DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT GOD,TALK ABOUT GOD AND JUST WANT TO JUDGE THOSE WHO DO, LET THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT HE TOLD YOU! OH AND I'M ABOUT TIRED OF HEARING YA ASS WHINING ABOUT NOT SPENDING TIME WITH GOD. I HOPE ALL YA SHIT GETS CUT OFF. INTERNET, PHONE, CABLE, ALL OF IT THEN MAYBE YOU'LL FIND SOME TIME HUH HEIFER?BE WHO HE CREATED YOU TO BE AND STOP BEING ASHAMED OF IT. YOU KNOW BETTER SO CUT THE CRAP AND GET ON WITH IT.

Who God thinks I am, who God thinks you are:
Precious, perfect, and privileged.

Today we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus my savior. Today I need a spiritual resurrection and He died so I could have it as many times as I need it because He's that guy. The one who will never leave me, the one who will never fail me, the one who will love me unconditionally for all eternity. Keep your money, keep your things, keep your world, give me Jesus!