"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them." -Mike Hiatt
I read this quote on a friends wall. I have several thoughts about this quote but my immediate thought was how much I identified with it. I like being alone. I don't particularly care to leave my house other than to go to work or the store. Even visiting or socializing is a chore for me. Why? Good question.
I am about to be real transparent so forgive the rawness. I don't really like being alone but I feel safer when I am by myself. I know who I am and when I'm alone I can be just that. I am very much aware that I can come off as intimidating. I have very strong opinions and sometimes find it difficult to be tactful about that.
Alone, I don't have to worry about offending anyone with my mouth and I can get quite defensive when challenged. I don't particularly care for people and it has more to do with me not wanting to face my own issues than me not liking people. I have this distorted view about how people see me and I feel inferior although you wouldn't know it by talking to me.
If someone were to describe me as "sweet" you can bet they never met me. I have a tough exterior and I don't know why I feel the need to have it. I feel intimidated by women I see who are well put together. They take care of themselves and when I look at them I am reminded that somewhere along the way I have lost me. In the process of my salvation which is ongoing, there was part of me that needed to die but some of the good habits I practiced I let go of and I should have fought for that.
My self worth was lost somewhere between an ex husband and a pair of jeans that went from an 8 to a 16. I do find that when I try to blend in and be somewhat social that I literally end up wishing I were home doing absolutely nothing because it's a better option than trying to be friends with people that are like minded but not really intentional in their effort to be in my life. I don't need casual friends or acquaintances. I desire people to be in my life on purpose and not just when it's convenient for them or when they need something from me. I have people in my life that quite frankly are homeless and have nothing who treat me more like family than family.
I am continuously disappointed in people because they're full of shit and tend to focus more on who they want to be rather than dealing with or accepting who they are right now. I have met very few people in my life who I consider to be truly genuine especially amongst believers and that hurts my heart.
Maya Angelou once said "When people show you who they are, believe them." I prefer solitude because I don't want to deal with the reality of who people truly are, including myself. But then the blinders came off. I realized in all of this that no matter what I believe, it is right to accept people for who they are , to love them where they are and to have faith in where they're going.
Everything I struggle with; offense, rejection, and anger are not things I can change but things I can surrender to God because they have already been paid for in full. I struggle with believing God loves me...until I see a cross. I also come to realize that in and of myself, I can do nothing.
What I know to be the most true about myself is that I DO NOT DESIRE to blend in but to be set apart.
I do not want to be like everyone else. I don't want to be normal or live an ordinary life . Not when I serve an extraordinary God. I don't want to live my life chasing the almighty dollar when I can spend it chasing the ALMIGHTY. What can be richer than that? What could be more satisfying?
It is strange to me that I care what people think about how I look yet I couldn't give a damn about what they think about my beliefs. I don't expect people to feel how I feel but then again, I'm set apart and I am going to embrace that not defend it. I don't want to hear theology and I'm not interested in false humility or listening to intentions. I'm interested in seeing Jesus exemplified.
Serving requires hard work and sacrifice and anyone who tells you being a christian is easy doesn't know the first thing about it. You want to see miracles? Want to see God move in your life and use you to do extraordinary things ? Quit hiding behind "Well God didn't tell me to do that". You would not believe the ways God could use us if we were willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of the gospel.
Being in a relationship with Him, praying, reading his word is something that needs to be consistent not convenient.
Times are changing and not for the better. When I look at this generation I don't see any fear of God. I don't see respect for authority or for each other. Our way of doing things are not working . As the church we are not bringing people in but driving them out because we don't want to be put out or uncomfortable. Do you know we have women sleeping in the street ? Because too many people are way too comfortable telling God and themselves that it's not their problem. We don't ask God to change us because we know He will. All I'm saying is be willing and do what He calls you to do because if not He will find someone else . I don't know about you but I'll be damned if I'm going to live the rest of eternity watching someone else walk around wearing my crown!
