Hanging Out

Over the last several months I've been avoiding God. I avoid Him at work, home, church, and only talk about Him with like minded people and even that is limited. Over time I have allowed the enemy to bait me with distraction and I bite every time. I justify this by telling myself that I'm not satisfied with the relationship we have and I want more yet I don't put the effort into it. Why is that?

I love God although I could never love Him more than He loves me. I love Jesus although I could never repay Him for what He's done for me -what he's done for us. I love the Holy Spirit even though I will never be satisfied and always want more of Him. What's wrong with me? The truth is it's a combination of things and I'll be as transparent as I possibly can. 

I can't say I'm busy with a family because  I have grown children  who can take care of themselves. I'm not overwhelmed with ball practice/games and music lessons or dance recitals. I'm not over scheduled or overwhelmed with commitments and appointments. I can't blame it on work because I only work 2 days a week and don't even want to do that. I will say, even though what I do has it's rewards, It has cost me something. Not time but my passion and  focus on the bigger picture.

Speaking only for myself, I feel like I have forgotten why I got excited about helping people. I have forgotten my perspective. I started becoming more accustomed  to formalities, regulation, reality, and red tape more than I depended on God and the faith to believe Him for the big things. In other words I was conforming to the ways of this particular world where paperwork trumps prayer. I believe Jesus crossed all the T's and dotted all the I's when He died on the cross but that's just me.

I saw a friend of mine today that goes to the church I attend(when I attend). I'm convinced God set me up. He invited me to church not this Sunday but next, because God has a powerful message to share and he's going to deliver it. Now, this is a man that has come through the fire and like all of us, still goes through trials and tribulation. What sets him apart is His love for Jesus. 

Now we all say we love Jesus but This man is IN love with Him. The kind of love that comes from someone who has been forgiven much so he loves much. Let's just say I can relate.  Just talking about it he was almost in tears and I could see he almost couldn't contain himself. That was my
 "AH HA" moment. I recognized Him. The anointing of the Holy Spirit was so evident on this man you couldn't help but notice it was pouring off of him. I told him that God is going to burst forth through him and a four wall building won't be big enough. The world needs Jesus. Lafayette needs Jesus.

I remembered I used to have that. Feel that . Know that. I can remember being so filled I could no longer contain it. 
Rule #1.God cannot/will not be contained. 
Rule#2. If you ever feel the need to keep Him bottled up because other people "just aren't there yet" remember Rule #1.

I begin to realize how much I miss Him. Like a best friend I was once so close to but became distant, but by choice. I miss our talks and our walks together. I miss how He would speak to me through His word. Let me say this -God didn't stop talking to me, I stopped listening.  I believe in miracles and I stopped asking for them. I had great faith and stopped believing for the impossible. I believed in His ways and just accepted the ways of the world. 

Chillin with God never meant  that I didn't suffer or that things were easy, it  just meant I knew He was in my corner when things got hard and He had my back. If there was ever a relationship designed for us to maintain it was the one we have with Jesus. We maintain that relationship with Jesus through the love we show others. Others as in everyone not just those close to us but especially those who we find  difficult to love. Then again, is anything we do difficult if we do it through Him? 

The world has become a bitter pill to swallow lately and the only thing in it worth saving -is people.
Now more than ever I believe and have faith in Matthew 6:33- "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." 

In other words be all about Me and I'll be all about everything else where you're concerned. It doesn't say seek first Facebook, Instagram, television, games, even our families...etc. I mean just pick a God, an idol, because that's what we've let some of these things become. Are these things wrong? Not in moderation but certainly a trap if we don't stay focused on God. In my heart I want Him more than anything but It's up to me to walk in that. I would  give up being comfortable if I could move past the fear and that's my goal because I KNOW beyond that I'm going to see God move in a way I've never seen before. 

 No matter how much I miss Him, I KNOW He misses me more. NOTHING I do is more important than my relationship with  Him. Not what He's called me to do, not my job, or even family.
My friend I mentioned earlier, Torrey, God sent Him to me to encourage me and to tell me He misses me. He sent him to me to inspire me and let me know that He has not given up on me. A lot of times we spend time with God because we feel obligated or because that's what church has taught us  we're suppose to do. You know why Torrey spends a lot of time studying God's word and praying? Simply put, Torrey Just likes hanging out with Him.

I Did it Anyway!

So...... remember when the movie NOAH came out and everyone was protesting and warning everyone not to watch it ? Yeah, I watched it anyway and you will be happy to know that we came out relatively unscathed and Jesus still loves us. My husband and I watched it this past Sunday. Let me just say... 
it was stupid. It was a real downer and pretty dark. It would be a fair depiction of what the vibe would be if the world was so full of sin that God felt the need to kill man and start over. However, I do not regret watching it . Two things I got out of this movie, revelation and validation.

The Revelation

That night as I laid in bed I felt led to read the story of Noah again. Genesis 9:18-25 to be exact. I didn't really understand it at first. I  read it so many times yet never really went deeper into it. 

The next morning I got up made some coffee and read that scripture again. I went into my room and turned on my worship music and begin to worship God and focus on Him. Something happened or was happening. He began to speak to me in a way you can only understand by experience, it's not something you can really put into words . What He was sharing with me was just understood- it was intimate.

He reminded me of the floodwater I saw in the movie and how it swept over everything, covering all that was wicked and bad. I saw images of black hearts under the deep water but when they emerged from the water they were red hearts covered in the blood of Jesus. God reminded me of  

1Peter 4:8 Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sin.

This went on for about 30 minutes. I studied Genesis 9:18-25 intensely for the next hour and was not disappointed. Jon Courson is one of my favorite teachers simply because I can understand him. He talked about how after the flood Noah became a farmer and grew a vineyard and partook of his harvest that led to some sort of sin- something happened.

It's a little long so bare with me .

Genesis 9:18-25 - 18 Now the sons of Noah who went out of the ark were Shem, Ham, and Japheth. And Ham was the father of Canaan. 19 These three were the sons of Noah, and from these the whole earth was populated.

20 And Noah began to be a farmer, and he planted a vineyard. 21 Then he drank of the wine and was drunk, and became uncovered in his tent. 22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside. 23 But Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it on both their shoulders, and went backward and covered the nakedness of their father. Their faces were turned away, and they did not see their father’s nakedness.24 So Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done to him. 25 Then he said:“Cursed be Canaan; A servant of servants He shall be to his brethren.”

At first I didn't understand what Ham did wrong until I began to understand the heart behind the action. He was mocking his Father to his brothers. He was exposing his Fathers nakedness instead of covering it like Shem and Japheth did. The two even went as far as to walk backwards refusing to look at their Fathers sin. So when Noah awoke, instinctively he was aware of what Ham had done. Because he sinned as a son the punishment would fall on his son...Canaan, which turned out to be the worst culture in the world. Perverted and annihilated-they were cursed.

The revelation God gave me was exposing that very sin in my life. If we talk about each others weaknesses and expose the nakedness of others, the punishment will fall back on our children. I have seen how my negative talk about certain people to my children has tainted their opinion of that person or people because of what I said about them.  If I look at or listen to someone else's shortcomings it poisons the way I view them in the future. It poisons my children's view of people. If I am listening to someone tear down or expose another I am just as guilty as the one doing the talking. No one should feel comfortable talking to you about others and if they do there's a problem within you.

For far too long I have partaken in this vicious cycle with family, friends, and just people in general and I'm ashamed of it. This is not the seed I want sown into my life and no matter how I try and justify it I'm not so insecure about myself that I have to find fault in other's. God ripped my heart out and put it in a blender and hit "frappe" when He brought this to light but I'm so grateful that He did. I cannot and will not participate in such venomous banter and if you are my friend please don't  tempt me or involve me in any conversation about someone else's sin although talking about our own sin is fine. 

Which brings me to Facebook. Never in my life have I seen such a plethora of vipers in a pit just waiting to strike with their ugly comments and sarcastic undertones ready to prey on the weak. Steadily tearing people down, name calling and so desperate for soapboxing that they pull out there inner grammar Nazi to make sure they can rest easy knowing they hopefully made someone feel stupid. (BTW, you'll have a field day on this post because I don't proofread JACK!) Facebook is an open invitation and temptation to participate in the verbal bullying of others in a public forum ,  it's also cowardly because everyone has testicular fortitude sitting behind a computer not facing their victims. Words are powerful and we are to use our words to build up not tear down.

I feel so strongly about this that I am extremely willing to weed people out of my life completely if that's what it takes. It's one thing to be a strong minded or opinionated person but I have no respect for mean. Mean is for bullies and grumpy old men, certainly not people of faith or people who call themselves Christians. I will choose my words carefully and pray that they will be uplifting and encouraging. What happened to me was extremely powerful and deeply affected me. I hear people say all the time that knowledge is power. BULL! His power is power . Sometimes we think way too highly of ourselves but that's a different post for a different day. 

The Validation

Proof that God can use a worldly movie to work all things together for His good and to that I say Amen.

"Alright , Alright , Alright"

Rambling

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them." -Mike Hiatt



I read this quote on a friends wall. I have several thoughts about this quote but my immediate thought was how much I identified with it. I like being alone. I don't particularly care to leave my house other than to go to work or the store. Even visiting or socializing is a chore for me. Why? Good question.

I am about to be real transparent so forgive the rawness. I don't really like being alone but I feel safer when I am by myself. I know who I am and when I'm alone I can be just that. I am very much aware that I can come off as intimidating. I  have very strong opinions and sometimes find it difficult to be tactful about that.

Alone, I don't have to worry about offending anyone with my mouth and I can get quite defensive when challenged. I don't particularly care for people and it has more to do with me not wanting to face my own issues than me not liking people. I have this distorted view about how people see me and I feel inferior although you wouldn't know it by talking to me.

If someone were to describe me as "sweet" you can bet they never met me. I have a tough exterior and I don't know why I feel the need to have it. I feel intimidated by women I see who are well put together. They take care of themselves and when I look at them I am reminded that somewhere along the way I have lost me. In the process of my salvation which is ongoing, there was part of me that needed to die but some of the good habits I practiced I let go of and I should have fought for that.

My self worth was lost somewhere between an ex husband and  a pair of jeans that went from an 8 to a 16. I do find that when I try to blend in and be somewhat social that I literally end up wishing I were home doing absolutely nothing because it's a better option than trying to be friends with people that are like minded but not really intentional in their effort to be in my life. I don't need casual friends or acquaintances. I desire people to be in my life on purpose and not just when it's convenient for them or when they need something from me. I have people in my life that quite frankly are homeless and have nothing who treat me more like family than family.

I am continuously disappointed in people because they're full of shit and tend to focus more on who they want to be rather than dealing with or accepting who they are right now. I have met very few people in my life who I consider to be truly genuine especially amongst believers and that hurts my heart.
Maya Angelou once said "When people show you who they are, believe them." I prefer solitude because I don't want to deal with the reality of who people truly are, including myself. But then the blinders came off.  I realized in all of this that no matter what I believe, it is right  to accept people for who they are , to love them where they are and to have faith  in where they're going.

Everything I struggle with; offense, rejection, and anger are not things I can change but things I can surrender to God because they have already been paid for in full. I struggle with believing God loves me...until I see a cross. I also come to realize that in and of myself, I can do nothing.

What I know to be the most true about myself is that I DO NOT DESIRE to blend in but to be set apart.
I do not want to be like everyone else. I don't want to be normal or live an ordinary life . Not when I serve an extraordinary God. I don't want to live my life chasing the almighty dollar when I can spend it chasing the ALMIGHTY. What can be richer than that? What could be more satisfying?

 It is strange to me that I care what people think about how I look yet I couldn't give a damn about what they think about my beliefs. I don't expect people to feel how I feel but then again, I'm set apart and I am going to embrace that not defend it. I don't want to hear theology and I'm not interested in false humility or listening to  intentions. I'm interested in seeing Jesus exemplified.

Serving requires hard work and sacrifice and anyone who tells you being a christian is easy doesn't know the first thing about it. You want to see miracles? Want to see God move in your life and use you to do extraordinary things ? Quit hiding behind "Well God didn't tell me to do that". You would not believe the ways God could use us if we were willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of the gospel.
Being in a relationship with Him, praying, reading his word is something that needs to be consistent not convenient.

Times are changing and not for the better. When I look at this generation I don't see any fear of God. I don't see respect for authority or for each other. Our way of doing things are not working . As the church we are not bringing people in but driving them out because we don't want to be put out or uncomfortable. Do you know we have women sleeping in the street ? Because too many people are way too comfortable telling God and themselves that it's not their problem. We don't ask God to change us because we know He will. All I'm saying is be willing and do what He calls you to do because if not He will find someone else . I don't know about you but I'll be damned if I'm going to live the rest of eternity watching someone else walk around wearing my crown!