Tiff in a Box

My husbands cousin is 27 years old and as I watched him hold his wife's ashes in his hands all I could think about was that he was going to go home to an empty house full of her "stuff'". Not her just her stuff. Little reminders of her everywhere but no Tiffany. Her clothes,her purse,her pillow,its funny how the little things all of a sudden become very significant. I wondered if he played there last conversation over and over in his head I mean he knew it was coming because she was terminally ill but when it happens NOTHING can prepare you for it. He looked so lost and alone but I know God has his back. I think about her 4 kids and how they must feel because I know what it is like to loose a parent but not at 17, 10,13 or 16. When we arrived at the funeral home they had just finished the service and I saw her mother , her children crying and her husband listening to all the usual "call if you need anything", "If there's anything I can do" and my all time classic favorite the ever faithful "Are you o.k.?" Just once I wish he would have said " MY WIFE IS @#$&*N DEAD DO I LOOK OK TO YOU?" I walked up to the front and all I saw was a poster board with some pictures and a box with an angel on top which I came to realize was Tiffany because we were under the impression that she would be cremated sometime after the viewing. But there she was in a white box with a gold top . After we went to the "Re pass " which is something I had never heard of before . Apparently that's what its called when everybody meets somewhere to go eat after which I never understood that concept but that's another blog for another day. After we ate we stood outside in the smoldering heat and just sort of chit chatted and observed. Now don't take this the wrong way but black people at a funeral is an experience all its own. Totally different from white folks. They are for real no putting on what you see is what you get and if they don't know you they will ask you who you are, how you know the deceased , and explain to you how they don't want to go inside just yet because they want to finish the beer they bought at the store down the street to help them deal with the relatives they don't necessarily care to run into. A funeral is nothing more than a family reunion in which the party responsible for getting everybody together didn't do it on purpose. We left and went home and his cousin came over after and said "Hey I got Tiff in the truck wanna see ?" " Sure" I said thinking he was talking about a picture he took of Tiff in the truck but when he came inside with the white box with the gold top I knew he meant he literally had Tiff in the truck. So he very gently took her out of the box and held her for a few seconds than handed her to me. This did not bother me at all. In my hands I was holding someones wife, someones mother, daughter,sister. I was holding someone that I had long ,deep, conversations with. I was in awe how the ashes in this bag used to be a person and is now dust. As I gave her back and watched him gently and lovingly put her in the box I wondered about my own relationship with Tiffany. I should have done this and could have done that. Why didn't I ? The more I think about it the more I am convinced that people just can't handle finality. Even if you know someone is going to die you think you have all the time in the world to say what you want and do what you want and its just not true. Just like salvation , for those of us who know the truth most of the time we think its somebody else's job to tell people the good news. We procrastinate and we put things off waiting for someone else to pick up the ball and run with it. Man I know it is such a cliche but life really is too short. I read about a sermon where a pastor described the dates on a tombstone and the dash between your arrival and your departure the dash representing your life and what you have done with it in that small length of time and let me tell you that really put it in perspective for me because it counts. When I stand before God He is going to ask me what I did with my dash. I would rather give an account of a life well spent than to try to justify a life wasted. Let all the stupid crap go and DO something and in the words of John Mayer "Say what you need to say".

Sticks and Stones

Today my son told me that people he once respected had said about him that he wasn't good enough for his girlfriend. They also said he dressed like a thug, had no ambition,was a negative influence and wasn't good enough to be with her and mentioned he needs to get a job. The truth is he does wear baggy pants, a t- shirt and sneakers now whether that qualifies him as a thug or not I don't know we would have to ask the thug police. He does have trouble trying new things to be interested in and he doesn't have a job. He doesn't have a job because the places he applied would rather him be 18 instead of 17 for liability reasons. My son will be graduating this year and does have a plan after graduation pertaining to his future. Now as far as him not being "good enough" this is what I told him. I said they are absolutely right. You are not good enough ,none of us are but we are LOVED enough to die for. Why do we have this preconceived idea of what we think are good standards for our children when most of us can't even set a good example for them to follow much less set good standards. We should be setting Gods standards! Some of my sons character qualities include loyalty, faithfulness, selflessness and wisdom. If he died tonight and stood before the Lord do you think they would be discussing his wardrobe and his intentions on doing a followup at ChuckyCheese? Or do you think they would be discussing his heart?Now does character pay the bills? Maybe not but the character of Christ is worth more than a paycheck. Right now I am more focused and concerned about his relationship with God than I am about him having a job to support a wife he doesn't have. My desire and prayer for my son is to partake in his relationship with God and graduate from high school . As a mother I want to be angry and offended bc my child was hurt but I know that it is how I respond that God will use me to show my son that your self worth doesn't come from man but from God . " I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made"....Psalm 139:14

What If?

I don't know if any of you watched the movie "Legion" but I just did and though it was not a good movie. It did get me to thinking though. For those of you who haven't seen it (SPOILER ALERT) The movie purposes that an attack on mankind is ordered by God Himself because He has lost all faith in mankind and sent his angels to kill off the inhabitants of the earth. Keeping in mind that all of this is fictional because that is not what the bible tells us and we know that His love for us is everlasting but I wonder what would happen if He gave up on us? God created us out of love and a desire to be loved in a fellowship based on unconditional love an faith. But what if he gave up on us? It has happened before when His patience wore thin and he destroyed the earth with a flood. What if he grew tired of listening to us complain about such petty things such as money and stuff and keeping up with the Jones's? What if His heart couldn't bare another minute of watching us kill one another in His name? Killing each other over property and territory that rightfully belong to Him in the first place. Killing each other over 5 dollars or some harsh words and worse yet, over nothing at all. What if He grew weary over all the bickering, the gluttony, the selfishness?What if He couldn't stomach to watch us killing the humanity in our own children by emphasizing the importance of going to the right schools and getting the highest grades and getting into the best college without ever making it a priority to emphasize the importance of being a good human being? What good is an educated kid if he grows up to be an asshole, he might be a rich asshole but an asshole non the less.(Pardon my french,that description is too perfect to pass up)What if He's grown tired of His heart breaking for the children we neglect, ignore and abuse, after all children where always intended to be a gift not a burden?What if He was tired of seeing the people He entrusted with His church where the same ones defiling it? What if He was sick of people who confess His name with there lips and deny Him by there lifestyle? In most other countries they are inhumane by what they do in this country we are inhumane by what we do not. If you watch the news it is day in and day out of suffering and tragedy most man made. It is a wonder He hasn't had His fill quite yet. Perhaps there is still hope for us in the fact that we are still here being allowed to carry on as if we have no one to answer to or to whom we must give an account. We have failed miserably as a human race and believers who know God , who accept the cross and there belief in Jesus Christ know that its why we need Him because God knew we would fail. Yet maybe it is the little victories that keeps Him holding hope for us. The simple acts of kindness, the small insignificant gestures that go unseen and unnoticed accept for the giver and the recipient. Its funny how we as a people fail horribly at conquering the small stuff but when it comes to catastrophes, tragedies , and great suffering it is then when we seem to shine the brightest. What if we stopped backbiting denominations, races, cultures, religions and stopped fighting over who's right and who's wrong?What if we didn't pick sides democrats/republicans , black/white , men/woman? What if we just chose to love and accept one another ? What if we chose not to get divorced but stayed and stuck it out ? What if we chose right over fair? What if that's where the good stuff was? I have a feeling that's where the good stuff IS ! I could be wrong about all of it but what if I'm right?

Happy Who Dat Birthday to Me

Today is my 40th birthday. I have reached that point in my life were reflection is not just necessary but mandatory. This year I have to say that my early SuperBowl present from the Saints was a pleasant surprise and the best way to start a new chapter in my life. I am glad to see my 30's go . I will not miss them and I embrace 40 because its a time to walk in the maturity and wisdom I have gained from past mistakes,trials,tribulations and tragedies. Yeah my 30's sucked and so I bid them adu,fair-well, and adios. I look forward to my new numeral companions 4 and 0 in fact they are my new best friends for the next 10 years and unlike my last digits I think we will have more of an understanding of the way things should go and the changes we must make to assure we make it to 50. I don't know what 50 will be like but I want to have alot of fun and do alot of living getting there. WHO DAT !!!

The Saints go marching in

Unless you are a New Orleans native,you cannot possible fathom what is going on over here. After 43 years of praying , hoping, moaning and groaning the Saints are going to the superbowl and so is everyone in New Orleans be it by bus, car, train, or plane even if it is just in spirit everyone is going. The relationship we have with our team is truly like no other. I know you have probably heard this so much it has become a cliche of sorts but no other sport and fan base have as much in common with each other as we do. At a time when no one came and when we felt abandoned ,lost and without hope , The Saints came and The Saints stayed. They gave us something to keep our mind off our troubles and for a few hours on Sundays they gave us something to look forward too. The Dome was full of holes ,water, death and despair and they brought it back to life. God used the Saints to bring us back our faith . We pray before every game and we say things like "We Believe" because we really do and after 43 years don't think we don't believe in divine intervention. The Saints believed in the city and they where there for us. So now in Miami for the black and gold superbowl we will be there for them with our white hankies and 2ND line umbrellas, our Who Dat shirts and Fleur De liscious. So for now The destination for the Superbowl may be Miami but come February 7th it will become WHOVILLE !!!

Letting go of the Pain

I have to tell you that I have decided not to commit to posting everyday. I mean if I do I do and if I don't I don't. This all started out with the intention of just telling the truth but in order to tell the truth you have to know what the truth is and that is what I am looking for. Last night the most horribly wonderful thing happened. I cannot begin to explain to you how or why it happened I can only describe to you WHAT happened. So remember I was telling you about the old home movies my mom gave us as a Christmas present well last night I watched all four DVDs back to back. When I was done I noticed something I had never noticed before. In every one of those movies not ONCE was I ever unhappy. I was smiling and laughing and just happy. Those of you who REALLY know me know that I have lived mostly an unhappy life and have been very sad and angry. Well I went to bed and as I was lying there I started thinking about my dad and started to remember how things were when him and my mom were together.I was thinking about how young he looked in those movies and how handsome he was and then started thinking about how he looked the last time I saw him which was dead. I started getting a little teary eyed than sniffling and than came the balling which headed directly towards some serious whaling. I t was so bad I couldn't breathe and all I could feel was raw emotional pain. It hurt so bad I could feel it physically. I cried and I cried until I almost couldn't breathe. My poor husband thought I was having a heart attack or something. I had no idea wear this was coming from I mean I had mourned and grieved the loss of my dad I never tried to suppress it but I obviously was suppressing something because this felt like some sort of spiritual purging. I kept going I just couldn't stop and I remember pouring my heart out to my husband. This one particular memory came to mind and I recalled being away at girl scout camp when I was 13 and it was for like a week and I told my sister "I bet when we get home he won't be there." When we went home my mom told us my dad was at work. My dad always kept all his stuff on top of the refrigerator. I mean his wallet, his receipts, and a kool aid can full of change. When I walked in the first thing I did was look on the top of the fridge and everything was gone so was he, I knew he was never coming back . The day we left camp and I kissed my dad goodbye was the last time I remember being truly happy.Everything after that day is when my life went to pot.Last night was a purging of all that pain all that hurt that I caused and hurt and pain others caused me that I held on to for so long. I just couldn't stop crying until finally I just cried out and literally said "Jesus please help me ,please take it away please take away all this pain." A few seconds after that I started to calm down and fell asleep. Now that is what happened.I don't know what it was but it felt like some sort of release a big release. Make up your own mind and draw your own conclusion but that's what happened.I don't really care because whatever it is to you, to me it was peace ,an answered prayer. Am I super happy person all of a sudden ? No but now I feel like there is nothing holding me back from choosing to be happy and I feel free to be happy. I believe truly that the truth will set you free.

Family Tradition

I didn't post anything last night because I was up painting my sister in laws Christmas present and didn't go to bed until 3:30 am. Drove into New Orleans for my family Christmas parties. The first one is every year at St Benilde school. This is where we only see my grandmothers side of the family once a year. I know my great aunts and my cousins but have no clue who there kids are. Every year its the same thing we eat we wait for Santa we mingle take pictures with Santa than we leave. From those exhilarating festivities we move on to my immediate family which is my mother,siblings , and there spouses and nieces and nephews.This should be considered a sporting event. We gave our mother her new video camera because the old one she had was ancient. Than we took turns handing out gifts to the kids. Than it was our turn because we picked names. So I am getting excited and can't wait to give out mine than someone happens to notice that the water outside my brothers house is getting very high fairly quickly. Now my brothers are in the rain collecting keys and moving cars to higher ground. The flooding is so bad everywhere they were predicting everyone would be stuck at my brothers house which than prompted his wife to start drinking steadily. Finally we give ours out I got a saints necklace my sister in law made me and its awesome. My mothers turn to give her gifts to grandchildren and than to us. Before she starts handing them out she tries to tell us what it is and starts crying. This woman is so thoughtful and so selfless omg she is incredible. My mother took all of the 8mm film she had of us growing up and put it on a set of 4 cd's and I believe me thats not cheap to do. It was the most wonderful present I had ever gotten. My mother could have bought me a car and it wouldn't have stood a chance against this. My dad passed away last november and it is still very fresh in my mind. Seeing him in those home movies brought back so many happy memories you can't put a price on that. Watching them made me realize how simple things were back then. People actually talked on the phone before texting and they actually wrote letters to correspond.The one thing I saw that was consistent in those movies was I noticed at every important event in our lives the entire family was always there. Baptisms, kindergarten graduation, birthday parties, holidays, first communion. They were always there we went on vacation together we did everything together. My grandmother is 87 years old and was married to my grandfather for 65 years until he died at the age of 94. They have 8 children 17 grandchildren and 27 great grandchildren. The set the bar very high when it came to family. For the longest time I didn't think my mom and her sisters had any friends because they did everything together. Now days I find people spend more time trying to fit in and stress out over all the places they have to go. If your parents are divorced you have to have a mommy Christmas and a daddy Christmas than Christmas on your moms side Christmas on your dads side than Christmas with your in laws and again moms house or dads house if your spouses parents are divorced. Christmas I can imagine as time goes by must suck more and more each year. I'm willing to bet by now that we no longer look at Christmas as a celebration but as a chore. Than you can't have a peaceful Christmas without someone in America exercising there rights in the Christmas vs holiday war. We have men and woman away from there families for Christmas fighting for your right to be an opinionated jerk and this is the war you wanna have?Fighting over a tree or a menorah, all or nothing , Christmas or holiday, REALLY? Don't get me started. Let us just entertain the idea that if we celebrated Christmas the way it was always intended for us to celebrate it , we would save ourselves a whole lot of time and money not to mention peace of mind. In spite of the noise of kids screaming and running around ,the severe flooding , the rain all the way home, I enjoyed being with my family today the young ,the old and the very old. Tradition is a dying practice it should begin and end with our family. Cost of presents for family $100.00 bucks, Cost for fuel to get home for Christmas $40.oo cost of giving your children back there childhood,PRICELESS.